Translating the NBA for your Girlfriend

Have you ever tried to get your girlfriend or wife to watch a basketball game with you on T.V.?  You would swear you were pulling teeth, right?  Well, I had to sit through a “Desperate Housewives” marathon, along with “The Hills”.  The only redeeming factor is that they have some good looking chicks on there.  I don’t get why basketball is so foreign to some women.  It has world class athletes, drama, and is a relatively easy sport.  My girlfriend is the worst at trying to speak metaphorically.  She makes me more confused than when I start sometimes.  Recently, she tried to explain “D-H” to me using metaphors that I can’t honestly even remember.  I looked at her the same cocked-head way a dog looks at something strange.  She challenged me to describe the NBA to her in terms she would understand.  So I did.  I thought I would share.She complains to me that there are too many teams and that she can’t keep track of them all.  All the players seem to play the same way, and they play too many games.  So I decided to break it down for her in a language she understands.  I told her you really only have to worry about 13 teams this year.  So right away I cut the league in half.  I proceeded to explain the teams to her as basic a way that I could.

Los Angeles Lakers- They’re like Brad Pitt.  They’re probably the best looking team.  They have a strong following, but there are a lot of people that don’t like them either.  You can always expect them to put on a good show, and they stand to be the best in the league.

New Orleans Hornets- Matt Damon.  New face that has a lot of potential.  Has a few good performances, and is always good when stacked up against good competition.  Just needs a couple of tweaks to break through the second tier and be on top.

Houston Rockets- Mark Whalberg.  They were on a good streak for a while, and are a bit of an unknown heading into the final stretch.  They are the ones you don’t know if you’re going to get a great or mediocre effort.  (I.e. We Own the Night)

Utah Jazz- Joaquin Phoenix.  The ultimate unknown.  Great talent and well rounded.  But something is just holding them back.  They usually run into too good of competition when they are trying to win it all. (Phillip Seymour Hoffman/San Antonio Spurs).  

San Antonio Spurs- Has to be Tom Hanks.  Always consistent, and in the back of your mind you know they are the best when they want to be.  But the big question is, is they’re best behind them already?

Phoenix Suns- Bobby DeNiro.  They changed up their approach to how they do things.  They went from a “run and gun.  Just like Bobby went from drama to comedy.  We just have to wait and see which was better.  I’m saying the former.

Dallas Mavericks- Pretty much the Ben Affleck of the NBA.  They were good, and had a good chance at being good for a while.  Then they got shot back down to earth by poor performances.  It’s doubtful they may ever recover.

Golden State Warriors- Tom Cruise.  They’re crazy, against the grain, emotional, and completely unpredictable.  Needless to say they are fun to watch.  After a few years of futility (Magnolia, Eyes Wide Shut, Vanilla Sky, Minority Report) they came back recently (War of the Worlds) and are starting to threaten being good again.  

Denver Nuggets- Daniel Day Lewis.  This is a bit of stretch, but they are a seemingly good team that gets lost in the shuffle and may get left out completely.  The only trouble is there is so much talent out there you often forget about them, but then you say, “Oh Yeah, they could be dangerous with the right matchup.”  And in Lewis’ case the right role.

Boston Celtics- Leo DiCaprio.  They are the best and most well-rounded of the bunch.  They command your attention and just have too much talent to be looked over.  

Detroit Pistons- Al Pacino.  They were the best at one time or another.  They constantly give you a great effort but have just come up short as of late.  Could all the years of being in the elite finally catch up with them?

Orlando Magic- Casey Affleck.  They have a definite chance of being good/great one day.  They just need a bit more experience and they could be in the mix with the best.  It’s just not the time right now, but they could get there.

Cleveland Cavaliers- Something like Will Smith.  They are a one man show, who can carry a team/movie to the promise land.  The only worry is that there is never enough talent around him to take it to that next level of greatness.  It’s not his fault though; he can only work with what he is given.

Of course she looked at me like I just left the toilet seat up.  But in the end I think she grasped it a little bit.  She said, “So is it going to be Brad Pitt vs. Leo DiCaprio?”  Well, chances are it is Tom Hanks and Al Pacino. But if we’re lucky we get to see Pitt and DiCaprio fight to the death.