A perfect season riding on a single, crowing game ultimately ruined… by a fancy, red, short-sleeved hoodie worn by head coach Bill Belichick.For eighteen games the New England Patriots could do no wrong. Mantras surrounding the phrases “team” and “unity,” along with a requisite roster of talent, proved enough winning solidarity en route to a championship game against the New York football, technically New Jersey, Giants. For eighteen straight games head coach Bill Belichick donned a ragged, rancid, haggard, putrid, grey sweatshirt; and for eighteen straight glorious, satisfying, orgasmic confrontations the Patriots walked away victorious. Then, in game nineteen, arguably, via National Football League rules, the deciding game, Bill Belichick threw a curve ball and donned a brand new, fancy, red, short-sleeved hoodie.
Perhaps sometime during the six months of pre-Super Bowl publicity, the Belichick compound was invaded by an equally strong willed team of marketing geniuses promising upon victory Belichick’s very own sour puss label with Sears, or introducing a new endzone line in Ann Taylor’s loft. Conceivably Belichick foresaw the inevitable fickleness of professional football and believed his financial salvation ultimately lay in the arena of mass producing men’s casual wear.
“When I win superbowls, I wear fancy, red, short-sleeve hoodies.”
Super bowl forty two was not decided on the field, but the sideline. It was not Brady, nor Manning’s twelve year old brother Eli, but a lack of familiar spectacle. When times turned rough in the second half, team New England collectively turned to their steadfast coach for reassurance, and saw not the beloved man-headband, nor more importantly, the tasteless grey hoodie they’d become accustomed to over a historical run, but rather became confused by the fashion forward Renaissance man, concurrently ahead of his time and quite far behind it.
According to Fox sideline microphones, on a crucial fourth and thirteen, Brady is captured as saying, “What are we doin’? Where’s coach B? I see a guy in a dapper, well kempt hoodie… but where’s Bill? Are we gonna kick? %$&@#! … I guess we’ll go for it.”
Not until the final game of the season did the New England football Patriots sell their stock in concept Belichick, a man who preached team over the individual, but ultimately chose the game’s biggest game to make the sport’s penultimate fashion statement. Not until the final game did Gisele Buncheden show up to watch her boyfriend at his day job, nor did team Patriots lose focus and cease drinking the Belichick punch.
“When times are lean,” linebacker Junior Seau said, “and the clock is running out, we look to coach Belichick for answers. Today we were blinded by his fancy, red, short sleeved hoodie.”
Some sources, never to be named, even go as far as to report coach Belichick having a pre-game brunch with winning percentage brethren Tiger Woods who often sports a red shirt for Sunday’s close out game. Conceivably coach Belichik had gotten ahead of himself, brashly outfitting himself in the most outrageous costume he could think of.
Or… maybe his old, grey hoodie was at the cleaners.
Thanks, Mrs. Belichick. You cost us a super bowl.