It’s great to be a Boston sports fan right now. It’s kick-you-in-the-pants, kiss-the-homecoming-queen, twiril-a-baton-in-one-hand-drink-a-beer-with-the-other greatness.
Two things, though, are not so peachy in New England.
One. Your bandwagon fans. Sure there are about 10 percent of Boston sports fans who are legitimate. The other 90 percent buy into the Bill Simmons Bible and pretend to know how to spell Tedy Bruschi’s name correctly.
And two. Bill Belichick. He’s a good coach. Compliments end there.
So just exactly who is worse? How do you decide such a thing? Well, there’s too many Boston fans to put each one of them through an academic decathlon, a la “Billy Madison,” so we’ll break it down into categories:
Boston sports fans: The only person who still has a Mo Vaughn jersey is the Hit Dog himself. Show some class here, people, respect your elders. But no, that’s too hard for some fans who sport the green Red Sox jerseys at ball games. Or even worse, the pink hats with the green “B” on the front. And you girls wonder why no one will date you.
Bill Belichick: His lack of style has been documented time and time again. It just makes him look even more classless when nice guys such as Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio are sporting suits and ties on the sidelines, then you have this guy dressed in sweats. Seriously, if you’re not a high school girl who is watching “Sweet Home Alabama” and eating a carton of Cherry Garcia after being dumped before homecoming, you’re not allowed to wear sweats.
Most annoying quality:
Boston sports fans: Spelling Tedy Bruschi’s name wrong. This guy has been everywhere after coming back from what New Englanders will call a “medical miracle.” Bruschi has been spotted in the opposing backfield, in the end zone and after returning to Buffalo last season for his first game back, he was even seen rescuing small children from a burning house…during a commercial break. It’s beyond anyone how fans, so-called “Pats fans,” can still spell his name like Teddy Ruxpin.
Bill Belichick: Not having a legitimate injury report. Tom Brady has been listed as questionable for just how many games of his career? And how many games has he missed? Real helpful, Billy.
Where were you when:
Boston sports fans: Cam Neely retired. Bandwagon fans that sport the Brady jerseys and Sox hats probably don’t even know who Neely is. That’s a shame. He has done more for his hockey position than just about anyone on the Sox. Yes, that includes Manny. So when Josh Beckett’s name goes up with the Boston greats, it might be wise to recognized Neely’s name, which is already up there.
Bill Belichick: Bernie Kosar needed you. Belichick posted a 36-44 record with the Cleveland Browns from ’91-’95 and didn’t wait for an injury to his starting quarterback, like he did in New England, to turn to his backup. Only back then he didn’t have a Montana clone like Brady, it was Vinny Testaverde. Kosar was to Cleveland then what Brady is to New England now, and that’s no stretch. The Indians were still in their “Major League” phase back then and the Browns were all the city had to hold on to. Tough thought, isn’t it?
Can’t believe you actually thought:
Boston sports fans: Dice-K was a sound investment. More than $51 million for the bidding rights, then tack on another $52 million for a guy who has never thrown a pitch in the big leagues. An average year and an inconsistent postseason later and the Red Sox have a World Series title. Not thanks to Dice-K, though.
Bill Belichick: Going for in on fourth-and-1 in the fourth quarter with a 38-point lead was a normal play call. If Bruce Smith or Reggie White were lined up across the line, Tom Brady would legitimately be on the injury list this week for the Pats.
Most likely to punch you in the face:
Boston sports fans: Real Boston sports fans. The bandwagon patrol of the early 2000’s just doesn’t have the same feel of an old-time Boston sports fan. You know, the one who would grow out his ‘stache until the Sox made it back to the postseason. Go ahead and ask one of these bandwagon junkies how upset they are that Bill B*ckner cost them a World Series title. If they answer without nonchalantly adding Boston had another chance to win the World Series in Game 7 after his error-rific effort, feel free to give them a knuckle sandwich, extra mayonnaise.
Bill Belichick: The media. For all the one-word answers and snide remarks this guy makes to reasonable questions from decent human beings, fisticuffs is definitely the way to go.
Our hope is:
Boston sports fans: C.C. Sabathia doesn’t eat a Thanksgiving meal-and-a-half before pitching to you next postseason. If this happens and the Indians win next season, most bandwagon bombers will refrain from applauding and yell “You guys suck” at the nearest television. That same television that never displays Red Sox regular-season games to the casual fan because all they want is to celebrate the short-term glory of the postseason. That’s what being a bandwagon fan is all about, right?
Bill Belichick: Tony Dungy and the Colts beat the pants off you Sunday. We all admire the greatness of the Patriots, even if we hate them. We wish our team had Tom Brady or Randy Moss. But no one ever says, “I wish we had Belichick as our coach.” No one is rooting for Belichick, they are rooting for his players. The Colts, even without Marvin Harrison, will beat the Pats this year. And that win may not come until January.
Why no one wants to be your friend:
Boston sports fans: Because most of you are frauds. ‘Enough said.
Bill Belichick: Because you’re just not a nice dude, at all. ‘Enough said.
Boston sports fans. Belichick is a miserable man to the outside observer. There’s only one of him, though. Red Sox nation, Pats fans and now the resurgent Celtics will fill a fresh bandwagon for real sports fans to despise. There are far too many of them. After Beckett, Brady and Garnett retire, we’ll see who the real Boston sports fans are, and their population will sink like Belichick in Cleveland.