San Francisco Giants

Barry’s Last Stand

It’s only a matter of time before Barry Bonds takes three more pitches yard and officially becomes the home run champion, breaking Hank’s record. Regardless of anyone’s opinion, there is nothing anybody can do about it.

A few nights ago, my friend and I had an in depth discussion about the passing of the torch that I would like to share with you. He is a little slow, so try to bear with me. I have to talk to you about something important.

The amazingly low prices at Wal-Mart?

Not exactly.

What do you have to talk to me about then?

Well, it’s about Barry.

Oh, I love all types of berries; blueberries, raspberries…..

No, stupid! Barry Bonds!

What about him?

He’s about to break the home run record, he is only three away from being the home run king.

So, what’s your point?

I just really have a problem with it. You read Game of Shadows, didn’t you?

Well, on the account that I am on a third grade reading level, no.

In the book, it tells all about Barry’s steroid use. It began in 1998 with injections of Winstrol, a very powerful steroid. He continued over the next five years when he took a wide variety of performance enhancing drugs.

The guy was just trying to better himself. Sure, they make you bigger and stronger, but they have nothing to do with skills you need for baseball, right?

Wrong. Steroids help your hand-eye coordination, bat speed, and power. Without them, Barry would just be another player trying to make his way in the bigs.  

What else did the book say?

The authors, Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams describe every vivid detail of Bond’s day to day drug use and the quantities that he took.

My dad use to hit me with his belt if I ate the dog treats.

Uhh, yeah. So anyway, I really have a problem with Bonds being the home run champion. Hank Aaron was such a classy guy, a fan favorite.

Hank Aaron; ha ha, he has two first names.

Remind me to kill you later. Hank Aaron was a hero for the game of baseball. He was an inspiration for African Americans everywhere. Hank is the type of guy who you want your home run champion to be. And it’s only a matter of time before he is no longer the career leader in home runs.

Well, in reality, you are innocent until proven guilty, and although a lot of rumors are out there, Bonds still is technically innocent. I mean, Bud Selig is going to attend the games.

He has to. That would be like not going to your daughter’s dance recital.

Barry Bonds is Bud Selig’s daughter?

Try to stay with me here. Did you ever see Barry when he was on the Pirates? He use to steal bases at ease like he was Ricky Henderson. Now, if the ball isn’t going out of the park, a slow jog is the best you’re going to get. Plus, did you see the size of his head, he looks like Mr. Mackey from South Park.

I still don’t understand your beef with Bonds.

How can’t you? He is an asshole to fans, media, and teammates. Remember that scuffle with teammate Jeff Kent a few years back. Besides, he plays one every four games, bad mouths his team to reporters, shows no hustle, and is a distraction to everyone.

You have to admit, he was a pretty hot Paula Abdul a few years back.

Ok. I give you that one. But don’t you have to wonder how many homers Barry would have if he wasn’t on the juice? Believe me, he would be nowhere close to 753. Of course he has countless awards and accomplishments over his career such as 7 MVPs and is a 13 time all star, but any average Joe with some skill can turn into a star with the steroids he was taking.

If it’s any consolation to you, his wife is probably dissatisfied with his incredibly small…..

EGO. Yes, his incredibly small ego.

That’s not what I was going to say.

Many agree that Bonds was first introduced to the steroid world when he arrived in St. Louis for a three game set with the Cardinals. This was around the time when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were in the middle of the greatest home run battle of all time. Bonds was angered when fans across America almost worshiped McGwire when he hit number 70, the single season record at that time. He saw McGwire as inferior to himself.

Let me guess, Bonds was aware that McGwire was a juicer.

That’s right. At this time, Bonds had never got close to a performance enhancer, but jealously boiled over him. As Mark continued to dominate the game of baseball, Bonds knew it was time to even the playing field.

And the rest is history. Ever since then, Bonds has been on the roids. Most likely, sometime next month Bonds will break the home run record over Hank Aaron and be considered by many, the best power hitter in the history of the game. You can believe whatever you want to believe, but the man is a fraud. Congratulations Barry, you damn cheater. PS: We would like to thank Wal-Mart for their incredibly low prices. (How low can they go?!)

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