by Trevor Freeman
Pizza or Tacos………Tacos. Yuengling, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale or Natty Light……Natty Light. You gotta go Old School for an event like this. Golden State Warrior Throwback jersey or Boom Dizzle Warriors Jersey…….Boom Dizzle. Are there better “drinking” sporting events than the NFL and NBA Drafts? A couple minutes to pee between picks and grab snacks. No pressure to pay complete attention. Mel Kiper and Jay Bilas squaring off to see who can be the bigger sports nerd. Pro and college intersecting to form a perfect union.
There are many recaps you can read on this wonderful event. Just know that every other writer you will read was completely sober when they wrote their recap. Not only could I not operate heavy machinery at this moment, but I am having problems getting the mouse to work correctly on my mousepad. That speaks volumes about how much I care about covering this event. We begin our look at the draft with………
“Where’s Jessica Alba because I am feeling lucky tonight!”
Seattle Supersonics: Getting Kevin Durant and Jeff Green is like receiving a blow job from Megan Fox, getting up to put your pants on and having Jessica Biel walk in the room and ask for satisfaction. I cannot believe Boston traded Delonte West, Wally Sczerbiak and Jeff Green for an aging Ray Allen. That is truly ridiculous. New GM Sam Presti just won Executive of the Year. Incredible work.
Portland Trailblazers: Even though I would have taken Kevin Durant, Portland gets an “A”. You have to like a Greg Oden-LaMarcus Aldridge-Brandon Roy trifecta for the next ten years. The NBA is back in Portland and that is good for the league as those fans cared about and supported their team before the “JailBlazers” happened. Not only that, but you had to get rid of Zach Randolph. To get back a guy like Channing Frye who will be a nice addition to that young frontline along with a contract like the one Steve Francis has that will be expiring shortly is not a bad thing.
(BTW, I’m not saying hiring Mike Conley Jr.’s dad as your agent is a bad move……….but I’m not saying it’s a good move either. It’s kind of like getting drunk and hooking up with your friend’s sister. At the time it feels like a good idea, but eventually it gets more than a little awkward.)
Atlanta Hawks: I’m just going to take a stab at the events of the past two days and guess as to how it went down:
Steve Belkin: So Billy. Thanks for stopping by my office. Yeah, I saw the deal for Amare Stoudamire and that’s a non-starter. We want to hold onto that third pick in the draft.
Billy Knight: But he was first-team All-NBA and he’s only 24.
Steve Belkin: I know…I know, but I have bigger plans with that third pick.
Billy Knight: Listen, I like Al Horford too. He’s going to be Carlos Boozer. But Joe Johnson is best friends with Amare. He is willing to play here. We get Amare and we will probably make the playoffs for the first time since Dominique Wilkins was playing.
Steve Belkin: Billy, if you don’t stop your whining we’re picking the Chinese guy.
Billy Knight: But…….Steve……..please……..everybody already thinks I’m incompetent……you…you…you can’t do this to me…
Steve Belkin: Thanks for stopping by Billy.
In all seriousness, I actually like what Atlanta did in this draft. Al Horford and Acie Law IV will both be NBA All-Stars by the time their careers are finished. If you wanted to put a young face on your franchise then this is a good start. Both are high character guys who can step in right away and be productive.
San Antonio Spurs: I cannot believe the San Antonio Spurs walked out of this draft with Tiago Splitter. I am generally hesitant about drafting foreigners, however I have watched Splitter and he is the real deal. This is a treeeeeeeeemendous pick.
“Not too shabby my friend……..not too shabby.”
Chicago Bulls: Does anybody realize that the Knicks traded Chicago Joakim Noah, Tyrus Thomas and Ben Wallace (the Bulls couldn’t have signed Wallace without getting Tim Thomas’ expiring contract) for Eddy Curry?
(Just as a note, if you are Chicago don’t you make the Lakers a standing offer of Ben Gordon and Tyrus Thomas for Kobe Bryant?)
Memphis Grizzlies: I love the Mike Conley Jr. pick. He rounds out the starting five with Mike Miller, Pau Gasol, Rudy Gay, and Hakim Warrick. Conley Jr. is very cerebral and I think he will be solid from the opening tip.
New York Knicks: Getting Zach Randolph was a home run. It was a risk, but one the Knicks had to take in order to be relevant in New York. The only downside will be that Scores is going to have to higher burlier bodyguards as the over/under on run-in’s over the next five years is approximately 6.
Houston Rockets: I like the Aaron Brooks pick. I know I am in the minority here, but Brooks is jet-quick and has an improving shot. He was a dominant high school point guard who took some time to develop but eventually ended up his college career as a 3rd team All-American. I can see Brooks starting at point guard in two years and hitting clutch shots on a playoff team. Good pick by the Rockets.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Drafted Corey Brewer……..already have Randy Foye. Got a real sleeper in Chris Richard in the second round. Don’t look now but there is a nice little supporting cast forming for KG in Minnesota.
Charlotte Bobcats: Nice job by the Bobcats tonight. First they get Jason Richardson to replace and enhance the 2 guard spot which will be left vacant by the impending departures of Gerald Wallace and Matt Carroll. Then they draft Jared Dudley who will be a very good NBA player. I was hoping Dudley would end up on Detroit or San Antonio as he is the kind of guy who would be a great complementary player on a title contender. Mark my words; the Bobcats will make the playoffs next season.
Orlando Magic: The Magic only had one pick, but it was a home run. Getting Reyshawn Terry in the second round was an absolute steal. He will be a contributing NBA player for the next ten seasons.
Detroit Pistons: My favorite moment of the draft was Mike Tirico saying about Rodney Stuckey, “Was recruited by Washington and Washington State but when grades were an issue he ended up at Eastern Washington.” I’m sure the Stuckey family appreciates Mike raining on their parade on draft day.
I like Detroit’s draft. Rodney Stuckey can put the ball in the bucket and has tremendous athleticism. Plus he is a hard worker. I think he gives them some sorely needed athleticism on the wing. With the 27th pick, Joe Dumars went back to his defensive roots and pulled the trigger on Arron Afflalo. Afflalo is a rugged defender who can hit open shots. Nice draft for Detroit. Everybody is counting the Pistons out, but I think if they resign Chauncey Billups and add a piece with the midlevel exception, they will be right back in the mix for the Eastern Conference title.
Dallas Mavericks: I’ve expounded on Nick Fazekas on more than a couple occasions so I have nothing else to say other than I think Dallas may have just gotten the steal of the draft.
On an extremely bitter note, let the record continue to show that I was the first writer to make the Moneyball/Nick Fazekas comparison. I wrote an entire article about it. It would be nice if one of these assholes working at ESPN would give credit where it was due.
“So you had a couple beers and you brought a girl home. It wasn’t your best work, but it wasn’t your worst either.”
New Orleans Hornets: I did not like Julian Wright before the draft but I like New Orleans taking him at #13. He is an intelligent guy who will now be walking into the League with a chip on his shoulder due to his Draft day slide. Wright can run the floor well and should score a lot of points in transition with Chris Paul.
Golden State Warriors: So we traded Jason Richardson for the draft rights to Brandan Wright and we selected Marco Belinelli. This is the same Brandan Wright who did nothing at North Carolina and a foreign player who was lauded as a combination of Vinny Del Negro and Brent Barry by Fran Fraschilla. I’m going to give Chris Mullin the benefit of the doubt on this draft. We beat the Mavericks. I’m still good.
Los Angeles Clippers: You have to stay true to your draft board. Al Thornton was the best player available at #14 and was the right move to make. He can play both the 3 and the 4. Thornton was a great athlete who dominated the ACC. I absolutely loved the second round pick of Jared Jordan as well.
Utah Jazz: Instead of typing up something new on Morris Almond……let’s relive my mock draft…
Important Jazz Executive: “What do you think about Daequan Cook?”
Other Important Jazz Executive: “Came out early for the draft….has tattoos…the only reason why we get away with that with Deron and Carlos is because they are good….doesn’t seem like our kind of guy.”
Important Jazz Executive: “Well there is this guy from Rice….he stayed all four years in college?”
Other Important Jazz Executive: “Rice! Isn’t that considered the Harvard of Texas?”
Important Jazz Executive: “It says here, he isn’t that athletic but he shoots the ball very well.”
Other Important Jazz Executive: “Sold!!!!!!!!”
Washington Wizards: Nick Young is a ballplayer. Pure and simple. I think he will jump into the backcourt with Gilbert Arenas within two seasons and give them one of the most athletic backcourts in the NBA. Dominic McGuire was a nice sleeper pick in the second round.
Toronto Raptors: Bryan Colangelo is doing a good job up in Toronto. Who cares if he spent Thursday night having dinner and watching “Knocked Up” instead of drafting players? This team will be fine for the next ten seasons.
Denver Nuggets: On the negative side they didn’t have a draft pick. On the positive side the picks they had helped them land Allen Iverson for next season. That’s nothing to sneeze at.
“As I was leaving I saw a prescription for Valtrex in her medicine cabinet.”
Boston Celtics: Actual quote from my esteemed radio cohost “Boston Mac”:
“I hate it. This trade sucks. Ray Allen’s a solid player but we already have ten other shooting guard/small forwards. Just horrible. I’d rather have Yi. I just completely lost interest in the draft. I’m going to go install an air conditioner now.”
Los Angeles Lakers: Nice move taking Javaris Crittenton a year after taking Jordan Farmar in the first round. That makes sense. You have to wonder how guys like Mitch Kupchak and Danny Ainge hold onto their jobs.
Milwaukee Bucks: I can only imagine this is how the conversation when Yi lands in Milwaukee will go:
GM Larry Harris: Welcome to lovely Milwaukee.
Yi Jianlian: I no see no tall buildings. Where is American city?
GM Larry Harris: Don’t worry; you will love the friendliness of the people here. By the way, don’t forget to buy a nice winter coat as it gets a little chilly here around October.
Yi Jianlian: Is there a Chinatown?
GM Larry Harris: Ummmm……no, but there is one lovely Chinese restaurant.
Sacramento Kings: I’d sooner watch a 24 hour loop of “Kathy Griffin’s Life on the D List” than take Spencer Hawes with a top ten pick.
New Jersey Nets: Nobody is more excited than me for the inevitable “Sean Williams gets caught with an ounce of weed at the Canadian border” story.
Miami Heat: Daequan Cook………really…….don’t you already have Dwyane Wade? They also drafted a guy named Stanko. I’m sure that will work out for them.
Phoenix Suns: If I’m Steve Nash I say something about Phoenix selling their first round pick to Portland for three million dollars and it is not a good thing. This is the second year in a row that Phoenix has done this because they are scared of the luxury tax. This year it is more appalling due to the overall depth of the draft. Why not select an Arron Afflalo or Tiago Splitter? Does anybody over there realize that the window with which they will have Steve Nash in his prime is closing? Had the Suns not drafted Alando Tucker with the 29th pick this would have been a truly horrific draft.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Do you think LeBron James knows that the Cleveland Cavaliers traded their first round pick for a man by the name of Jiri Welsch?
Philadelphia 76ers: You gotta love Billy King. He walks into this draft with three first round picks and leaves with Thaddeus Young and Jason Smith. That is like walking into Marquee and leaving with Paris Hilton and Paris Hilton’s herpes.
Indiana Pacers: You have to love it when a crappy team like Indiana doesn’t have a first round pick. Keep up the good work guys. Perhaps you’ll be shitty enough next season to get Roy Hibbert or Derrick Rose.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to e-mail me at [email protected]