Just when I think my world as a Philadelphia fan can’t get any more dismal, some Philadelphia team shakes things up by placing themselves eleven games out of the division lead, blowing it in the playoffs, not making the playoffs, or spending more time arguing with a crazy wide receiver, than playing the actual game. Over the past couple of days, I’ve started making a list of the things that make me crazy as a Philadelphia fan. Here’s a sampling: Bobby Clarke–Today, I witnessed Mr. Clarke walk up to the podium at the NHL draft, say that the Flyers had finally chosen their pick, and then when he went to say the kid’s name said, instead “The Flyers choose with the 22nd pick, oops I forgot..” Oops I forgot, huh? Is he from Russia? Perhaps Sweden? Now I know why our team falters so much. Mr. Clarke doesn’t know any of their names. I sure hope OopsIforgot is better than half of the Phantoms roster, because those kids don’t look like they’re making it to the big league anytime soon.
I also want to thank Mr. Clarke for signing the four slowest defensemen in the league in, Mike Rathje, Eric Desjardins, Chris Therien and Derian Hatcher. I mean, in the new NHL, who wouldn’t want four d men who skate slower than my grandmother and get hurt more than Eric Lindros? Because, seriously, when Daniel Briere is buzzing around you like a bee, Chris Therien is most definitely going to stop him, right? No, I don’t think so.
Brett Meyers and the Philadelphia Phillies–I love how Brett Meyers beats his wife to a pulp on the streets of Boston, and the Phillies say that they’ll focus on baseball to help him get his mind off the situation. Yeah, I’m sure the Phillies focusing on baseball is really going to help his wife forget the welt she has on her face. Oh, and the Phillies did such a great job playing baseball, they lost another game today, pushing them eleven games behind the Mets. Maybe the Phillies should stop focusing on baseball, since they are so good at it, and focus on their players and their behaviors off the field. I can’t wait to hear how the Phillies faithful react to his next start. We sure as heck won’t be focusing on baseball, I’ll tell you that much.
The Eagles Chant–I’m an Eagles fan, we are all are, but there is a time and a place for the Eagles chant. The chant should only occur at Eagles games. Not when the Phillies are losing 8-0. Not when Allen Iverson decides to not show up for the last game of the season. Not when Peter Forsberg announces he will be crippled to January and not at a sports bar when some fans are trying to watch the U.S. soccer team lose. The only thing you accomplish by shouting this cheer is proving to the rest of us Philly fans that you know how to spell Eagles. That’s pretty much the extent of the chant.
The “wanna be” GM–I have not been to one sporting event in Philadelphia this year that has not included a seat behind some fool, who thinks that if they were the GM of whichever team we’re watching, they’d do a better job. Every single Philadelphia Phillies fan is convinced that by moving Jimmy Rollins out of the leadoff position, this will result in a World Series Championship. Just like all of those Flyers fans whom though that replacing Robert Esche with Antero Nittymaki would result in a Stanley Cup. Unless Nitty was going to do double duty as a goalie and a fast skating defenseman, that cup was never setting foot in Philadelphia.
As I finish writing this column, I must revel in the fact that if the Philly sports teams didn’t annoy me as much as they do, I would not be as fanatical about them as I am, right? I do believe that is true. Well I’m off to get a new Flyers “OopsIforgot” Jersey. Till next time, my friends.