Categories
Satire

FSU Fans Now Must Pass Mandatory Counting Test to Attend Games

By David J. Cohen

It was the best game the Seminoles had played all season. They dominated the boards, hit clutch shots, and forced someone other than J.J. Redick and Shelden Williams to make shots in the last minute. The win guaranteed the `Noles a spot in the big dance. Yet, as usual, the FSU fans found a way to screw things up.It’s a simple procedure. If you are unranked and at home you rush the court AFTER the clock hits zero. During a game, if someone is fouled the clock stops. Apparently FSU fans have never taken Basketball 101. With a five point lead and 1.7 seconds left, FSU G/F Andrew Wilson was fouled. The clocked stopped. The fans rushed the court, giving Duke an outside chance to win the game. Technically the officials could have (oh excuse me, should have) called two technical fouls against the `Noles: the one they did call on the fans for being retarded and a second one on the Seminoles team for having too many men on the court. Since Duke is supposed to get every call on every play, I was pleasantly surprised when only the fans received a technical (it isn’t their fault they can’t count backwards).

You would think the fans would have figured it out, but no. With .4 seconds left the fans started running onto the court again. The refs could have been uptight pricks and called a 2nd technical on the fans. Then, according to the rules of basketball, Duke would get two more free-throws (which Redick would have made) and would inbound the ball from the FSU side of the court. And all FSU fans would have been ejected from the game with two technical fouls, creating one of the most infamous sports moments of all-time. Then J.J. Redick would have caught the ball and drilled the wide-open three. Then the air in the stadium would have been called for fouling Redick. Redick would have made the free-throw and Duke would have received another free gift from the zebras.

Unfortunately for Dick Vitale, Jay Bilas, and virtually every other college basketball analyst on ESPN, the refs let the game get away and allowed the clock to run out with Duke still behind. The heads of the ACC have reviewed the incident and have suspended the officiating crew for the rest of the season for botching the game and not allowing Duke to win. This ruling was a disgrace to the game.

Their other ruling as a result of this game was a stroke of genius. The ACC has set a rule in place that requires all FSU basketball fans to pass a mandatory counting test in order to attend home games. The chairman of the ACC said that the ruling “will prevent another fiasco in the unlikely event that FSU ever beats Duke again.” The test will require all fans to write down the proper way to count from 10 to 0 and from 1.0 to 0.0 in order to simulate the closing seconds of a game. They must then verbally count the numbers in front of a security guard on site before entering the stands. Also, several professors are required on site to make sure no one cheats during the written part of the test.

The counting test rule has created outrage among FSU fans and alumni. Seminole fans feel the test is an overbearing challenge. John Jay Redyellowface, a devoted FSU basketball fan, said about the rule that “it ain’t fair we gotta cram for exam to see basketball.” Other students said the rule was just a way to “keep the tribe down” against the Dukes and North Carolinas of the ACC. Alumni of the school are also upset since they don’t remember counting as a necessary part of the math courses at the university. The University President looked troubled after hearing the news, realizing that 90% of the revenue generated from home basketball games has just been wiped out. Reportedly he is considering dropping basketball as a school sport after the season, saying “there’s nothing we can do.” When a reporter suggested creating a mandatory counting course as part of the curriculum for current and incoming students, the president said the course would place an unfair burden on students and would just waste university funds. He then laughed obnoxiously at the reporter and said “people don’t come here to do math.” He then had security escort the reporter out of the media room and off the campus.

The 79-74 victory by Florida St. over Duke was one of the highest accomplishments in the history of the school basketball team. They all but clinched a spot in the NCAA tournament with the win. It is the peak of a great season for a team that has a good shot to reach the Sweet 16.

But the fans overshadowed it all. It’s a shame: it happened just when the words “Florida State” and “Excellence” might have been mentioned in the same sentence…

On second thought, who am I kidding!

One reply on “FSU Fans Now Must Pass Mandatory Counting Test to Attend Games”

comment Not bad…I don’t think calling the fans ‘retarded’ is necessary…What a ridiculous way it would have been for Florida St. to lose if all those technicals on the fans had lost them the game!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *