Nothin’

Marcus Vick’s got legal troubles, a history of reckless and idiotic behavior, a year’s worth of suspensions and enough talent to make it to the NFL in spite of it all.

I got nothin’.Those three words, from a comedic perspective, can get you out of just about any awkward pause so long as they’re accompanied by the right funny face.

Unfortunately, their effectiveness is limited in the online world, which means instead of keeping you in stitches with one-liners and eyebrow movement, I actually have to write something funny. That is, at least if I want you to like me.

But what’s funnier in sports than those who, like yours truly, manage to “got nothin'” in spite of having, well, almost everything?

For example, Marcus Vick’s got legal troubles, a history of reckless and idiotic behavior, a year’s worth of suspensions and enough talent to make it to the NFL in spite of it all.

Unfortunately, when you’ve contributed to the delinquency of a minor to the tune of three convictions and feel the need to (allegedly) pull a gun on teenagers outside a McDonald’s because they heckled you, it opens the door to a whole world of nothin’. You’re a special kind of train wreck, Marcus.

Ron Artest has definitely got nothin’. I feel bad for Ron, I really do. Here’s a guy with mental problems of a serious nature in a business that couldn’t be more conducive to emotional instability. The only way it could be worse would be if Artest were an air traffic controller. Now that would be something. Still, after missing almost all of last year and a month of this season thanks to foolish public trade demands that constituted the last straw for Pacers’ brass, you’d think he’d just be eager to play basketball again.

Of course the whole situation is out of his hands now, but I wish the Pacers would get something done already because it seems like every NBA GM is waiting to make any moves of his own. A flurry of trade activity would be especially good right now because it would give me something to write about, something for you to read about and finally, something for Artest to do with his crazy self. But until Ron has a new team, we’ve all got a whole lot of nothin’.

The New York Giants got nothin’, literally.

Tom Coughlin’s team managed a whopping zero points in front of a home crowd during last Sunday’s NFC wild-card game begging the question, will Eli Manning ever look something like his brother or father? I know he’s young and I’m not writing him off, but nothing says nothin’ like one of the worst playoff debuts from any quarterback I’ve seen. At least he’ll have something to think about for the next six months.

After yet another snubbing by the writers, Burt Blyleven’s got nothin’ on Cooperstown. Good for Bruce Sutter for getting the nod, but honestly, just one guy getting into the Hall of Fame is a joke. Why don’t we just skip the ceremony and hold a big party at Sutter’s house since his family and some NL Central fans are the only ones who care. Meanwhile Blyleven, who must have done something to anger the Baseball Gods (or Bud Selig) along the way, got a big fat nothin’ the size of Barry Bonds’ ballooning bust (which will certainly find its way to upstate New York).

And of course what discussion of nothin’ would be complete without something about Terrell Owens. The much-maligned receiver is inching back into the spotlight while his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, seeks a trade. Several teams, including Tampa Bay and the Jets are interested but with $7.5 million in bonuses owed to Mr. Chocolate Parlor in March plus his season salary, it’s unlikely a team won’t make renegotiating his contract a priority before taking him on. All that means is while he may soon find something to do, he’ll be getting a lot more nothin’ for it.

And finally, here’s to the aforementioned New York Jets, who are truly the Kings of Nothin’ after failing to keep head coach Herm Edwards (who may also have been their best player) on board. A team with no coach, quarterback (at least no healthy one) or franchise player under 30, truly makes the whole concept of nothin’ something tangible.

Buy maybe I’m too critical. After all, whether we’re talking about Blyleven, Owens, Artest or Vick, surely there are positives that could be focused on or at least mentioned. Maybe you’re right, perhaps I could do more to look on the bright side in cases such as these. Maybe if I did that, people would learn to like me even more, and think I was even funnier than they already do.

Maybe you’ve really got something there.

But I doubt it.