Fessing up to a wrong you’ve committed is unarguably one of the more difficult things we all have to do in life. You make a mistake, you own up to it, and you learn from the experience. Or you fabricate a ridiculous lie. That, ladies and gentlemen, is taking the celebrity high road. Nowhere is this trend more apparent than in today’s post-steroid era of baseball.
Raffy Palmeiro did not ever use steroids.
Raffy Palmeiro did not ever intentionally use steroids.
Raffy Palmeiro did not ever have sexual relations with that woman. Er, syringe. Um, blue pill? I’m confused.Forgive me for my cynicism, but since when is complete ignorance an excuse for misdeeds? Who the hell believes a guy that has no idea how something got in his system? Steroid testing isn’t something that should have surprising outcomes for the testee; it’s not likely that a player was just taking a stroll outside the locker room only to slip, fall, and land on some stanozolol. Did that mustache of Palmeiro’s sprout legs and develop a craving for flaxseed oil? This already reminds me of every episode of “COPS” when a guy gets busted and magically ends up with drugs in his pocket. “Um… that’s not mine. I swear.”
I wonder if Ryne Sandberg ever caught Palmeiro in bed with his wife (i.e. the rumored reason that Palmeiro was traded from the Cubs to Rangers) only to have Palmeiro exclaim, “Holy HGH, how did this vile temptress end up in bed with me? And who took off her clothes!? Speaking of which, where are my clothes?! Where am I? Who am I?!”
Oh, Peyton. In a recent article featured on ESPN.com, Peyton Manning was discussing things that the Colts needed to improve when he threw out this gem:
“We had 37 false starts last season, 31st in the league and those are drive killers.”
Does this surprise anyone? I wonder if they’d have so many false starts if Peyton wasn’t busy doing the Macarena while under center. It’s simply amazing to watch his reaction when the Colts get whistled for a false start – Peyton just throws his hands up in disgust and glares at his line as though he’s the blameless saint back there. Now, I know that you just broke the single season record for passing TDs, but here’s a thought: maybe you guys would have fewer false starts called if you stopped flapping your arms like a drunken prom queen! Way to go champ, you’ve confused your own team into killing a drive.
Random thought: Is poker commentator Norman Chad really just the product of a computer programmer? Every time I watch a WSOP event, Chad starts babbling and I immediately think of recent video game versions of John Madden where you get to hear Madden laud players in non descript ways. “Well Lon, this guy just knows how to play poker. He has a good head on his shoulders, and doesn’t usually make bad calls. BOOM! Now that’s big time poker.”
I may have made that last part up. But you get the idea.
Oh, and Lon McEachern could easily be swapped out with the Moviefone guy. “If you know the name of the poker player you’d like to see, press one now. Please enter the first three letters of your request, followed by the pound sign. You have selected `Make Norman Chad set himself aflame and stop talking about his ex-wives.’ I’m sorry, that option is currently unavailable.”
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, but you’re telling me that ESPN couldn’t find two knowledgeable/human poker analysts to take advantage of the television crack that is poker?
End rant, over and out.
7 replies on “Man on a Rant – Raffy’s ‘Roids- The Manning Macarena- and What the WSOP?”
funny Nice job.
From now on though, go further with each story. You have a good, funny voice and I’d like to hear you develop each section more.
These could easily be 3 full-length rants that are funny.
Or you could find a way to transition from rant to rant, make it more ranty. The —– does not really form a rant-like sound. It is you starting over.
This is a rant so write it like a rant. It is very close to being a front-page article (in my book, I mean; I vote almost nothing to the front page; I’ve voted 10-15 articles to the front page in 9 months here!).
Keep up the good work.
jeter, Kent, kobe If you are going to vote against a story, please submit why.
Besides the fact that I believe you are all the same person created to speed Kent through the line and promote his work or at least roommates (I have never seen more than 1 of you on at once), that is the policy and it says so right there when you post your vote.
Your voting down an article does the author no good; you telling him how to fix it to make it better does. Take the time to write why; this is a community and we all want to get better.
Thanks This could be a simple issue in shifting the medium for my rants – these are essentially a columnized version of rants I do for a show segment. The problem with extending the rants has to do with entertainment value, as it seems to me that spending too much time on any one subject dilutes the humor. I’ll give extension a shot though. Let me know if you think that my previous posting is similarly short on content.
Oh, and transitions for 3 unrelated sports topics… are hard to come by. I’ll have to ponder this for a bit.
That’s unfortunate. I certainly hope that isn’t the case, as that would mean that one person’s opinion counted for 3 negative scores… I’m happy to accept criticism, so let me know what you actually think.
what I’m suggesting… …is either expand each rant OR provide transition. A rant typically starts on one thing and ends somewhere completely different (there are occasional exceptions, but that is when someone is ranting a lot about one thing).
You can find ways to make the transition. It can be as simple as “Speaking of which…”
smoothhh hmm maybe i did vote ur article down. didnt mean to but i like ur voice like soomeone said above me, just make your writing more smooth. it’s a lil “herky jerky”
this was fucking halarious i loved it